I Never Stopped
by Leppeh
Summary: Something I wrote years ago when I was going through some things.


**Disclaimer:** Once again I don't own it just borrowing.

A little angst I know. Hope you all enjoy.

**XXXX**

**I Never Stopped**

"You're jealous!" You yelled at me. Your face red with anger and frustration; your eyes are wide open and wild with conviction.

"Oh, don't be foolish!" I responded while running my fingers through my hair and looking away from you. If I kept my eyes on you I may just give in and tell you everything. That's a risk I'm not willing to take. I'm not yet ready to confront everything that I've kept hidden behind the walls that I've built around to keep out of sight and quite frankly out of mind. I'm not an emotional person; I don't like to 'talk' about my feelings. I am fine with where my feelings are, hidden and locked away where nothing can get out and no one can get in.

Besides, what's the point in telling you how I feel if it's not going to make a difference? The past is the past and I was the one that threw it away. We may not acknowledge it or you may not realize it, but it was my fault that we are where we are today. I am the one that single handedly destroyed everything that I had once loved and had made me happy. I had tested the limits, crossed that invisible line and pushed too far. Things were bound to end after that and I can't blame you for it.

Even though I had warned you from the very beginning that I have a tendency to push people away when they get too close or when things get too serious, it's not your fault right? Even though we have discussed this and I've told you that I will do things to push you away, and you promised to always be there no matter what, it's not your fault that you couldn't handle it anymore right? As much as I tried to blame you and hate you for giving up, for breaking a promise, and leaving me stranded when I needed you most, when it comes down to it I can't. The more I want to blame you and the more I want to hate you for leaving me by myself, it just comes creeping back to me, making me realize that truthfully, I hate myself and I blame myself. I had pushed you away like I had pushed everyone else away when they get too close. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it…

"I'm not being foolish! I can see it in your eyes and in your body language! You're jealous of me! Jealous that I have found someone that can make me happy and be with!" You continued to yell while waving your hands around wildly and pacing the floors. "I thought you'd be happy for me!"

I sighed and sat down on the sofa. I watch your feet move back and forth. I didn't dare look up at your face. I didn't have to; I already know what it looks like. Your emotions and facial expressions, it's ingrained in my head. Forever there, haunting me. "I am happy for you," I said quietly. "And I'm not jealous of you. If anything, I'm…"

You stopped your pace and stare at me waiting for me to continue what I'm saying but I can't. "You are what?" You finally asked.

"It's nothing, never mind," I said.

You gave an exasperated sigh and said, "You're always like this! Why can't you just spit it out? Why can't you just say what you feel and tell me? I swear every time it's like pulling teeth!"

How can I truthfully tell you what is on my mind when my brain is working overtime to filter out the things I should and should not be saying? It's hard to say what I want to say when the scenarios in my head are running wild. If I say the wrong thing then you'll know everything; and if I say the right thing… well I don't think there's ever a right thing to say when you're like this. You want to know more of what I am thinking, what I am feeling, but I can never give that you to. I had tried while we're together because I promised I would, but now? I no longer have to keep that promise. Even though my heart is screaming for me to come right out and tell you, my brain is holding me back. It's funny, since it's usually the brain that wants to talk but the heart doesn't; then again I'm not surprise that I would be the opposite of that.

"What's the point? It wouldn't make a difference anyway," I responded. "What I'm feeling, what I'm going through, it never mattered to you after we ended things. It was always about you after that. What I had to say was no longer important. Why should it matter now?"

"What are you talking about?" You said angrily. "It was never always about me, I always listen when you had things to say. I've always asked how things are for you. You're the one that never divulge more than a few sentences. So don't blame me!"

I leaned back on the sofa and laugh bitterly. "That's what you think. Every time I try to open up and tell you what I've been through or what I'm thinking, you'd say something that would belittled me or would just correct me. Do you know how hard it is to talk to you now? You're so judgmental sometimes that it makes it ten times harder to tell you things. I want to tell you things like I used to, but I can't. Now whenever I want to tell you things I have to ask myself what you'd say, wondering if you'll belittle it or if you'd actually care."

I don't even know why I'm saying all of these things. You'll just take it personally and in the end I'll feel guilty for making you feel bad. No matter the amount of times you've unintentionally hurt me with your words, I can't do the same. This is why I pick and choose my words. This is why I prefer not to say anything. Even thinking about this situation now hurts. My chest tightens up, my eyes are hurting from wanting to cry, and my stomach is in discomfort. Sometimes, I wish we never met or that we never dated. Maybe things would have been easier and we wouldn't have to deal with this. I wouldn't have to feel like this every time I hear you talk about him or how you'd prefer to text him then spend time with me. I didn't know it could hurt this much, that my heart could shatter to a million tiny pieces...


End file.
